Listening First

Many years ago, I had a falling out with a lady I’ll name Linda.  She ran a horse boarding operation and my horse, Fool, lived at her facility.  She was also an equestrian coach and the rule at her place was that you could not coach with anyone else on her property.  It was a rule I followed.  After all, her place, her rules.

One summer while preparing for a Dressage show, I was practicing a Freestyle program where the Dressage test is set to music.  I had paid a professional to select the songs, design the choreography, write the test and edit/mix the music.  I had done some preliminary work on riding the program with Linda, but she was out of town the week leading up to the show and was not available to coach me.

A friend of mine who lived out of town was coming into the city and offered to come to the barn and help me prepare for the show.  I accepted the invitation and was grateful for the support since this was my first Freestyle.

My luck being what it is (ie. not always good), Linda returned home at the exact moment my friend was at the barn helping me with my program. When she saw us together, she became angry.  Now, while it looked like I was breaking her rule (ie. coaching with someone else on her property), I wasn’t.  A friend was simply helping me out of the kindness of their heart. 

Had Linda allowed me to explain myself things might have turned out differently.  If she had listened, she would have learned that I had not slighted her at all.  It was simply a misunderstanding.  Listening may have made a difference.

Since then, I have discovered the value of listening when dealing with disagreements and conflict.  Through experience I learned the value of letting others speak first while I listen (listening to hear, not listening to respond). 

I found that listening first made a big difference.  It led to a greater understanding of situations, and it strengthened partnerships.  I continue to rely on listening as my first approach to important conversations.

Do you recall the last time you had an important conversation

with someone?

What approach did you take – talking or listening?

Can you see where listening first may make a difference?

Do you appreciate it when others listen to you?

Recommended Resources

-          The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols, PhD.

-          Article and Self-Evaluation Exercise by The Mind Tools Content Team – “How Good Are Your Listening Skills?”   https://www.mindtools.com/ai4ff5e/how-good-are-your-listening-skills

Monthly Challenge

This month get together with a friend once a week either in person or online and open the conversation with a simple question like, “How was your week?” Practice listening to their response maintaining a comfortable level of eye contact, nodding your head in acknowledgment without interrupting or interjecting until it is your turn to speak.  Record your thoughts on listening after each conversation.  What did you learn?